It happens every fall – the leaves begin to turn color, the
wind becomes much cooler and the people become more focused on
business. As the air around me begins to chill my skin, and the
days grow shorter, the inner voice inside me begins to stir. It
happens … like clockwork … the yearning begins and the voice
grows louder. It is constant, ever present and is only satiated
after I feed…I must feed … on the unsuspecting…the unknowing…and
I always start with…the Rookie.
Every October is the time that all hockey fans get that
excitement. This excitement and anxiety permeates the environment
of hockey poolsters as well. Every year, fantasy hockey leagues
lose a couple of participants (for various mysterious reasons),
and every year, their replacements…these Rookies … are my
first targets.
These greenhorns usually come into the league taking on various
forms, but the almost always reveal their innocence immediately.
The Rookie is usually some owner's friend or relative. He or she
likes hockey but has not been involved with fantasy hockey much in
the past. They clearly display their innocence at the very
beginning and I routinely smile, welcoming them into the league
and wishing them success. In reality I stalk them, preparing to
pounce early and quickly – like a starving hyena preys about the
weak, young, helpless water buffalo.
Poor unsuspecting fools. I approach the Rookie with my patented
M.O. - the false pretence of being their best buddy. I discuss how
great it is to have them in the league testing their mettle from
the outset. I am discovering their knowledge. I am assessing a
weakness. I am eyeing my next victim.
"How about that Steve Thomas guy?" I’ll ask.
"Pretty decent player, huh?" I anxiously await their
response.
If it’s a "yeah – he played great last year and I
think he’ll only get better numbers this year", my inner
voice screams with laughter and my eyes widen with the delicious
delight that soon my hunger will be satisfied.
Make no mistake - Steve Thomas is a decent player. He is also a
brittle player who, prior to the last two seasons, hadn't played
70 games in consecutive campaigns since 93/94. It's only a matter
of time before he spends 30 games on injured reserve. The Rookie
never realizes this, as they are routinely blinded by the dreaded
last year's stats. Unfortunately for them, they forget a very
important number regarding players like Thomas – their age. At
37 Thomas is a solid contributor – but his time in the league is
very limited. And with the Rookie, the odds are in my favor that
Thomas is due for a pretty major injury.
My inner voice is now giddy with excitement. It speaks to me…advising
me…cautioning me not to scare off the Rookie…literally
screaming with the anticipation of sealing the deal.
My senses are all a tingle as I respond, "Well…I see
you've got Straka and I know that he isn’t playing with Jagr and
Lemieux regularly (except on the power play, my inner voice
retorts). What about Martin Straka for Thomas?"
If the Rookie bites the act ends almost as quickly as it
started. I thank the Rookie for his time and I hear my inner voice
and as I walk out into the night after the deal. "Who’s
next?"
How succulent the taste of the deal is as I quench my hunger.
The Rookie will learn a valuable lesson – do your homework, you
are playing with the big dogs’; be wary of a wolf in sheep’s
clothing and fantasy hockey veterans. It doesn’t matter.
There will be others next year, and they too will be baptized into the
brutal, bloody side of fantasy hockey – unless they learn quickly
to swim with the sharks.
I can hardly wait for my next opportunity.
Elijah
Kazakowyck is currently in the Fantasy Hockey witness-protection
program. He has been a confessed serial trader for over 15 years. No
matter how often he swears he's rehabilitated, Fantasy Hockey
authorities always seem to be able to turn up another victim - in fact
a case was reported in the past couple of weeks.
There are many more pages in the Serial Trader's journal. We will print
as many as we can.
Next time: What the Serial trader thinks
about another victim - the Professor. Here's an excerpt:
"... he comes to the draft loaded down with
almost every pool guide conceivable. He's a regular Puckjunkie.com
visitor. He's generated his own computer spreadsheet with his own
rankings. He likes to think of himself as a student of the game...I
nickname him the Professor...and he is next."
